Following Your True Identity Will Always Pay Off

Read time — 7 minutes.

"Grass is always greener."

I remember the first time I heard that saying. Didn't quite know what it meant.

Now, it's clear to me:

• We always want more.

• We always want what we can't have.

More often than not, this results in people rushing into things.

As 14 year old's — we couldn't wait to be 18 to go out and drink.

Then, as 18 year old's — we couldn't wait to be 21 to have independence.

And finally, once we did reach 21 — we only looked forward to getting married and having kids.

Ironically, you would turn 30, and immediately wish you could go back to 23.

This may or may not be the way things were for you at those ages. But — I'm sure that at some point in your life, you've wanted more.

More out of your career, your relationships, your love life, your hobbies.

Many of us could benefit from enjoying where we are today.

That’s something I wish I knew 2-3 years ago:

After just one year at university, I was very happy to be in quarantine, all by myself (and my dear roommate at the time). As someone usually outgoing, this break provided a unique opportunity to embrace my quieter, introverted side.

I finally was able me to dive into hobbies I'd long been curious about. As many of you have realized by now, my biggest hobby (and passion) is anything and everything related to music. This newfound time played a crucial role in developing my true passion. I remember spending hours and hours just listening to music — exploring new tracks and discovering the art of crafting playlists.

Ultimately, this time of solitude and disconnection allowed me to pursue my biggest interest, leading me towards forming the identity I still hold today.

That is why knowing (to then be able to follow) your interests is key.

Identity Formation Always Comes First

Amongst other things, music was what shaped me at that time.

I loved discovering new tunes. Listening to something I'd never heard before.

I loved being surprised by music.

At that time — Bossa-Nova music really surprised me. This somehow led me down a path towards African-infused music, primarily Afro-House, which later shifted my focus towards electronic and house music.

I could write about each style and the way they each impacted me. But — that's another newsletter issue in itself.

I was loving my time alone (and with my roommate). But, the expected suddenly happened: I began longing for more. As for many, I became jaded to what I had at my disposal. The time to seek novel and different adventures had arrived.

What did my 21 year old self want at that time?

A romantic relationship. A partner. A companion.

One that wasn't my roommate...

My roommate and I were very (and still are) very close. Besides being cousins and knowing each other since childhood, many thought we used to spend too much time together.

His mother used to say: "I've never seen people that live together also choose to spend their only holidays with one another". 

This was definitely unusual for non-romantic pairs. It was all the more noticeable since we not only lived together, but also shared family vacations during summers and Christmas.

So, fair point to his mom — spending that spring break with him might have been a tad excessive.

Maybe that's why I longed for a romantic partner. I wanted to travel and share these experiences with somebody else than my beloved cousin. But, evidently, as with many things in life — when you want more, you search for more, and you still don't end up with more. Plus, in seeking a relationship, I found myself deviating from my true personality. I was trying too hard and engaging in behaviours that didn't reflect my true nature.

As I recognized this misalignment, I eventually stopped forcing the search and returned to my genuine interests. Those things that peaked my curiosity.

Back to music it was.

I began engaging in things that a 21 or 22 year old would do, while tailoring that experience to my unique interests and curiosities.

That's exactly how my love for music took me out of the house and into concerts & festivals. What better way to discover new music than in person?

In 2021 alone, we went to 4-5 live concerts and 1 music festival.

2022 led us to 3-4 music festivals and many more concerts.

Finding music and building my genuine identity with it, was crucial for me before seeking intimacy.

Erik Erikson would definitely agree.

Let's explore why.

Erikson's Psychosocial Stages of Development

How well would you say you know yourself?

Like actually and truly know.

Ask yourself:

• What am I most afraid of?

• What truly makes me happy?

• What activity captivates me for hours effortlessly?

If you struggled to answer even just one of those questions, then you don't know yourself as well as you may think you do. And that's alright. Sometimes circumstances happen in our life that can change how we perceive or understand ourselves.

This is why we mention Erikson today. He brought to our attention the psychosocial stages of development. These capture how personal concerns arise at different times in our lives.

In theory — the stages begin at birth with "trust vs mistrust". But in the interest of time and to align with today's issue — we'll directly move on to the Identity Stage. This usually is said to take place for the first time during late adolescence and young adulthood. During this time, the average human is expected to figure out who they are and what their roles will be like as adults. For most humans alike, this happens (again — the first time) between the ages of 21-25.

There is something very special about this identity stage. Young adulthood is said to be the most well remembered, with significant and salient memories. This is when we figured out who we were. Figured out how our childhood and adolescence led to who we are today, and who we are likely to be moving forward.

But, for many youngsters out there, as was the case for myself, we fall into what are parents like to call an "identity crisis".

"No Christine, he isn't an addict, he's just going through an identity crisis. It's normal for his age."

It's true. It was normal for my age.

Many young adults are unsure of how to resolve who they are. To add to this — identity crises tend to overlap with occupational crises. Our parents' friends keep asking us the same questions over and over. And like for many — the most debilitating feeling is being 20 and not having a clear career trajectory.

People seem more confident and secure if they have a "viable" career path.

"Tell me about it, Julian. I remember that time all too well. But the good news is that this only applied to me when I was younger, right?"

Not quite, my friend. Not quite.

Surprisingly or not, one can fall into multiple identity (and occupational) crises throughout their life. One can "find" their first identity at 21 and go through the other stages until the age of 50. But, one day suddenly, they may experience a life-changing event that brings them right back to the identity stage. The age doesn't matter. What matters is the time and the events in your life.

Many folks (usually between 40-50 years) get stuck at a new stage of their lives where their identity revolves around being generative. Generativity is one's concern for and commitment to the well-being of youth and future generations.

One is said to be generative by either:

• Teaching

• Mentoring

• Or engaging in anything aimed at passing a positive legacy to the next generation

Therefore — when one successfully resolves their identity, they tend to be ready to move on to the next stage: intimacy. With the end result of that stage being finding a partner for life. If that goes well and there isn't any unexpected mishaps (unlike what happens with most marriages), the next stage is generativity.

One's task would then be to have children and raise them.

"So I can say am being generative by just having kids?"

No you can't — there's no evidence that being a parent makes you higher on generativity. But in Erikson's thinking, it is a logical sequence:

1. Establish who you are

2. Find & choose a partner

3. Reproduce & start a family

4. Shift focus to nurturing children & the next generation

The important part for you to realize is that this can happen at any time. For example, younger adults may be doing generative acts — such as tutoring kids. But the difference here is the motivation behind their actions. As in they are probably just doing it to make a quick buck and gain experience.

What will be best and most adaptive for you will depend on the psychosocial stage you are at.

That is what I want you to remember for today.

Conclusion

There are many things that can make you more likely to find your identity or become generative earlier.

Such as having parents that are very generative themselves.

But again — this doesn't matter much as dramatic life events can force you to re-enter each stage and go through them again. And again.

Think of divorce or job loss.

Such situations will most likely make you question your identity and re-negotiate your intimacy. But, the most successful you were at it the first time, the better equipped you are to do it again.

The point is that identity always comes first. No matter the time, the environment, or the age.

That is why:

• Focus on yourself

• Follow your passions

• Explore your curiosities

Perhaps by just doing that — you'll grow into yourself, and before you know it, you'll be in that intimacy stage you crave so much.

That's truly what happened to me: I let go of what I so desperately wanted and chose to focus on my inner gut. And as I chose to follow music, intimacy came along with it, as organically as possible.

Tip:

When you choose to engage in activities that you actually enjoy and love, you are more likely to find like-minded others who enjoy those same activities. In my eyes, that's an important criterion when seeking for and selecting a partner.

Even more so when the activity you both love is music related.

As mentioned below:

I understand that it may be hard to know what to pursue in the first place. So I'd like to leave you all with something inspired by what the mighty Rick Rubin said:

We are surrounded by an "immense world of possibilities."

Every so often "we may notice apparent coincidences appearing more than randomness allows."

"Almost as if there were another hand guiding ours in a certain direction. As if there is an inner knowing gently informing our movements."

"Faith allows us to trust the direction without needing to understand it."

So figuring out what to pursue can be as easy as just looking outward.

Look for the clues. Pay attention. "These transmissions are subtle but ever-present and easy to miss."

So pay attention.

Follow your instincts.

And build with your passions.

Thank you for reading.

Happy holidays & much love,

Julian

If this email was forwarded to you or you're reading online, you can subscribe here.

If you prefer shorter-form writing, you'd like my X posts.