Read time: 5 minutes

It would drive me crazy.

I used to have this need within me to please every single person that I met & developed some kind of relationship with.

I wouldn't be able to tell you why.

Perhaps I wanted to be liked by everyone?

To be seen as this person who is so giving? So caring? So generous?

Or maybe I just wanted to feel better about myself (to feed my own ego..)

Frankly, I do not know.

But, what I've recently come to understand is that developing the identity of this people-pleaser isn't going to serve me much.

Especially when there's a better alternative to carry around instead.

Today, my friends, we'll be going over what you can do to still satisfy this desire to help others without needing to become a "people-pleaser".

Let's dive in.

Stop Pleasing

When you please other people, you are doing so with the intention of making them happy.

Or in some cases, to gain their

• love

• respect

• approval

As a matter of fact, this happened to me today.

A week ago, I had scheduled a 1h coaching session with someone (who we'll name Cristina).

We had already committed.

It was on our respective calendars to take place this very afternoon.

Before the start of these calls (especially when it's the first time we meet) — I ask the person to answer a few questions that give me more context & put us both on the same page.

This morning, however, Cristina reached out claiming she didn't make the time to answer the questions & didn't "think" she could meet this afternoon either.

I was immediately disappointed.

But not for me. If anything, I was glad to now have the afternoon freed up to work on other pending tasks & projects.

I was disappointed that Cristina didn't take her own life seriously enough.

If she did... then those questions would've been answered and waiting to be read in my inbox by now.

If she did... she wouldn't be cancelling last minute due to "thinking" she couldn't be there.

When you treat your life (& any work about your life) as the most important thing at that very moment... then nothing stands in the way of it taking place.

(emergencies & unprecedented circumstances aside)

Nevertheless, despite my initial disappointment — I didn't communicate it with Cristina.

I felt that it wasn't my place to "coach" or "educate" her on her lack of commitment or her inability to keep her word.

After all, I'm not her coach. She hasn't signed up to work with me.

We were just meeting for a free initial consultation. Nothing more.

As such, I responded:

"Sure. We can reschedule. I'll check a few other options & get back to you."

But, even after sending this, I didn't feel at peace.

It bothered me.

Again — not because of me or my time.

But because I couldn't stop but think about where else Cristina wasn't being and keeping her word.

If she's unable to take 10-15 minutes to answer questions about her own life or commit to a specific time to meet, where else is she currently unable to show up?

Where else is she not honouring her own needs?

Where else is she faulting on her commitments?

As my mind continually reflected on this, I realized I was pleasing Cristina.

My response wouldn't help her in the future in any way.

If anything, it would just continue to reinforce this unproductive behaviour.

And it's all because I chose to please her.

I chose to get her approval over actually helping her move forward in life.

I preferred having her like me than having her think of me as "lecturing" or "condescending".

As I write this for you (during the time that Cristina & I would've met)... I remind myself that the decision I took this very morning isn't in line with my core values.

It isn't aligned with why I started this career.

I do what I do because I want to serve others.

To the best of my ability.

And therefore, that's exactly what I should've done with & for Cristina.

Start Serving

Serving means genuinely helping and supporting another's growth, well-being, & success.

I would add that it also means doing so at the expense of not being liked or facing criticism.

In my case, choosing to please Cristina helps no one:

• Prevents me from serving more people effectively

• Hinders her growth and ability to keep commitments

• Affects others who will depend on her reliability in the future

If I wanted to serve her in this very example, I would've asked her first if it were okay for me to share something.

After receiving her permission, I would’ve then proceeded to share about the importance of commitment, keeping her word, & treating her life as the most important thing.

BUT...

I would’ve shared it about me.

About my old self & his inability to

• keep & be his word

• honour his needs & value his life

• show up for already scheduled appointments

I would then ask what she hears in this for her... hopefully pointing her towards her actions this morning (& possibly in every other part of her life where she's done something similar).

In fact, I now realize that I will do exactly this with her this afternoon.

And as I do it, I will remind myself that I cannot control how she receives it.

I can only control how I deliver & intend it.

And I will do so with the best possible intention of serving her. 

For her to listen to my voice message & see it as a positive nudge from Life to make that change & start growing accordingly.

It all starts with taking one action.

That's all she needs to do.

The beauty of serving is that you help others see things in a way that they didn't before.

As the wonderful Amy Johnson puts it:

In Conclusion

If there's only one thing you can take with you from reading this today... it's to serve, serve, and serve!

Serve as many people as you possibly can.

You don't need to be a coach to do so.

Serve your parents. Your kids. Your friends. Your spouses & partners.

Even your colleagues and bosses at work.

You serve by communicating the genuine truth despite of what that may do to your relationship with them.

Whether you think they may stop respecting you.

Or whether they will stop loving or liking you.

Maybe they will... in the short term. But, sooner or later, they'll realize you did the right thing.

In fact, expect a Thank You note from them in a couple of years.

But remember — You're not doing it for you. It isn't about you.

It's about them.

It's about helping & serving them regardless of anything.

Ask yourself as many times as possible throughout your days — "Am I serving or am I pleasing?"

Another way to ask this question is — "Am I giving or am I getting?"

Continually "checking-in" with yourself in this way will be key to helping you assess (& ultimately decide) what to do in some situations as well as to correct any actions if appropriate.

With that, don't forget to serve and honour your own needs as well.

And if anybody is coming to you with advice or help that may seem unwarranted, unsolicited, or unappealing at first — remember that it may just be their best attempt at serving you in some way (i.e. they're looking out & are wanting the best for you!).

In those cases, I invite you to take it as such & don’t forget to squeeze the juice out of everything they say.

Thanks for reading!

Much love,

Julian

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