Why Your Relationships Suffer & What You Can Do About It

Read on my website.

Read time — 10 mins.

I usually write about music.

And even when I don't, I always try to find a way to incorporate music into my stories and letters somehow.

Today, however, will be another one of those letters that is not centered around music. But, pay attention, there might be music available for you throughout it.

Let's dive in.

Ever since I started writing online, I've had the chance to meet and chat with many of you. On top of that, I've also started intentionally and carefully curating my consumption (from shows to YouTube videos and books). Across all boards, I’ve noticed one very interesting pattern that resurfaces over and over.

That is — most people tend to lack a proper model for communication & interaction.

It doesn't matter if it's on my favourite YouTuber's latest reaction video to a speed dating show, or a friend from X/Twitter, the pattern is the same — there is a proper lack of communication skills.

The result of this?

Damaging and ruining the most important relationships — be it platonic, romantic, or professional.

This applies to all of you. If you so only lack the proper way to communicate with a business partner, a friend, or your spouse — the chances of that relationship being both sustainable & long-term are quite minimal.

Let's explore this further.

Why Most Relationships Suffer

Many of your relationships are not long-term.

You don't seem to understand what it is you're doing wrong. You may be saying all the right things. And yet — you don't feel fulfilled nor content with the connections you've made at work, in your personal & social life, or even at home with your family.

I know many of you who don't even get along with your siblings.

The reason for this lies in communication. You may think that you do in fact communicate with them and it's their problem because "they just don't listen" — well remind yourself:

A lot of your relationships suffer due to your existing anxiety and attachment styles that you've developed ever since being a child.

Anxiety manifests through the people you surround yourself with. Especially at young ages. In that case — your parents.

Besides, anxiety is inherited and genetic. If your mother was or is an anxious person, you are likely to absorb that anxiety as well. You're like a sponge — you absorb all the energy patterns of the people you surround yourself with when younger.

This applies to your siblings as well (if you were raised together). This is why they are the ones who understand and get you the most. They are literally the only other people on this planet who can most effectively put themselves in your shoes.

You can't choose your siblings (most of the time), and you definitely cannot choose your parents. However — what you can choose — is the people who surround you, today. So the same way that you would allow me to carefully curate the music you use to help with productivity and focus, you should carefully curate your own environment as well.

Your environment consists of:

• The people that surround you

• The space & location that you're in

• The information & media you consume

• The habits & routines you practice daily

All of these act together in affecting the atmosphere & energy that is present in your surroundings. Therefore, be intentional. Be careful. And learn to calibrate your intentional meter for greatness.

By just working on being intentional about your environment at large, your anxiety will start to decrease as a result of it.

Attachment styles, on the other hand, are something else.

The humans that raised you heavily influenced how you connect with other humans. This is especially true as your life progresses in time. These approaches to connections are a reflection of those attachment styles. There are four main types of styles — each shapes how you engage in intimacy, communication, and coping.

Therefore, you need to understand your attachment style as it can provide valuable insight into your potential relationship dynamics. It also influences your communication, emotional responsiveness, and overall relational health — all important metrics for dissecting why your relationships may be suffering.

Nonetheless — today's letter will not go deeper into attachment styles. For a deeper perspective on the matter, stay tuned for future letters :)

For today — we'll be focusing on how you can make your relationships more sustainable.

By sustainable, we are referring to the longevity of a relationship. Everybody you meet in your life is met (and subsequently kept) with the intention of remaining in your life for a long time.

Time is money. And your time is valuable. You're not going around socializing and meeting other folks just for the sake of it. Ideally, you meet people to form a connection with them, and you aspire to have them around for a while.

This is what is known as The Screening Phase. Evidently, not every person you meet in your life will be in it forever. When I mention "relationship", I am referring to it in the sense of a state of connection between two people. I'm not claiming that every person you meet at a nightclub or a social gathering will be someone who remains in your life for a long time.

The difference is when you meet those with whom you spark a connection. That is when you begin to engage with them on a deeper level. This is when that person has passed the screening phase and is now entering The Nurturing Phase.

This is where you begin to cultivate the relationship. Now, you're not just engaging with these individuals superficially; instead, you're investing time and energy to understand them better and build a stronger, more meaningful connection.

But to be able to properly engage with anyone in the nurturing phase, truth and honesty are required. Not just being truthful with the other person, but being truthful with yourself.

From Honesty To Vulnerability, From Vulnerability To Confidence

Step 1 — Honesty

A relationship will be as long-term as it is productive.

Both parties need to be getting what they want out of the relationship.

That is:

• Your needs are being met

• Their needs are being met

Both parties care enough to meet each other's needs.

But to do so, honesty is required. If one of you is not being honest in the relationship, then there's actually no relationship.

Not that it's a "bad relationship", it's just inexistent. Not a real relationship.

When someone is not telling the truth, then each person is experiencing a different understanding of things. This results in never being actually together when experiencing the world.

A relationship is defined as "the way in which two or more people are connected".

When you're not opening yourself up in this way to your partner, you're in a different world — they have an idea of what is happening that is completely different than yours. That is not being connected.

I'm not telling you to agree on everything. But, instead, try being truthful in how you view things. Make sure your partner is clear and aware of how you view the world.

This means being on the same page — even in disagreement.

Now that's when it's real. You're each being who you are for and with the other.

Step 2 — Vulnerability

Once there is honesty, there can be vulnerability.

Once you can accept who you are and how you really feel, your partner can as well. Now you're living in the same world and are experiencing it together.

Connected.

This is when you can begin to share those deeper, and perhaps more sensitive parts of yourself.

Vulnerability is about openness and risk. Honesty & truthfulness are what provide that necessary roadmap for taking that risk in the first place. And in a meaningful way.

We've all been vulnerable once before. Particularly when we were younger — as children. We used to be vulnerable to our parents. To their love.

But, over time, life toughens you up. It closes off that vulnerability you once felt before with an effort to not feel the pain associated with it. But, deep inside you still lies that child. And there, too, lies that vulnerability that is waiting to come back out.

You want to feel it again. But you don't know how.

So you let yourself be seduced — not necessarily in the romantic sense. But in the sense of falling under another's spell. This means being in the presence of another who has a story to tell and gives you the opportunity to open up that vulnerability again. That other person knows how to open that door for you, and re-creates that aura that your parents once had.

It's exactly the way Sigmund Freud described it — your parents seduced you.

Not necessarily. Anything can seduce you — Philosophy. Movies. Books. Music.

Do realize that all of these are indeed made by a person, though. But sometimes, they are more capable of seducing you than a human is. They can invite you into this world they've created. But they have to draw you in from the beginning. Only then, can you get lost in their world.

If you don't go and don't draw yourself in, then you are not seduced.

So learn to let yourself go. Allow yourself to be drawn into another's world. Give yourself that opportunity to be vulnerable again.

Vulnerability opens the door for people who are normally closed off.

Without vulnerability, one struggles to find and understand themselves.

And when one struggles to find and understand themselves — they can't be confident.

Step 3 — Confidence

Confidence wins at everything.

Although we're mentioning it here as an individual step, it is actually present throughout this entire process:

• First — by being confident in yourself and in your skin, you accept your own flaws, imperfections, and self-doubts. This is the first step towards honesty.

• You can only be honest with others if you're honest with yourself at first.

• And to be properly honest with others — one needs to be vulnerable.

If you are confident in who you are, you understand yourself better on a human and deeper level. This is when you can really take the time to zoom out, be better equipped to work and connect with other humans, and understand their perspectives.

Confidence will give you the ability to dominate non-verbally. Your body language plays a large role in spreading your message. This is why the more in tune you are with your own thoughts, and the more honest you can be with yourself (and others), the more weight your message will carry.

This is especially true when connecting with others in an online form. Your energy and attitude can be "heard" through texts and phone calls. So, make sure to always frame things positively and smile during calls.

From now on, remember these two things:

1) The Halo Effect.

When someone has one positive trait, people will automatically assume good things about this person.

Actionable step:

Change up and work on improving your social media profile pics. Improve your work Slack picture. Your email profile picture. Whatever it is — just remember that having a clear and "professional" profile pic across your social media (even WhatsApp) makes you seem more confident (even if you're not just yet).

Consider tilting the odds in your favor as much as possible.

Even these "little" things — they matter.

2) Attractiveness Bias.

When someone is good-looking, people will automatically assume they are more confident, competent, and trustworthy.

Actionable step:

Whenever you go out or even engage in calls or work meetings (even at home), make sure you dress nicely & look good. Dress as good as if you were trying to impress (or seduce) a date.

Remember above — seduction is the key to vulnerability, and vulnerability is the key to forming meaningful relationships.

Tying It Back To Vulnerability

Vulnerability is needed in order to form long-lasting relationships.

Vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to authentic connections. It allows you to present your true self — sharing your true thoughts, emotions, and experiences honestly.

By embracing vulnerability, you're inviting others to do the same. You are paving the way for profound connections to be built on trust and understanding.

Those are the keys to long-lasting and sustainable relationships.

Connecting with others is more than just small talk. It takes time.

It's actually quite similar to driving. If you're like me, and you drive a stick shift, this one's for you:

When driving a manual transmission car — we often get stuck in first gear. Like in conversations, we just scratch the surface, remain there, and don't really go far.

This is just an entry-level exchange that is focused on efficient information transfer. It can range from delivering facts to providing updates.

Evidently, these types of exchanges cannot be avoided, and they will always be present in our everyday lives. So — for you to improve their quality and thus make them more meaningful, consider:

• Maintaining eye contact, nodding, and smiling to affirm you're fully engaged.

• Ask numerous & clarifying questions to ensure accurate comprehension & understanding.

• Provide enough context and detail. Do not assume shared knowledge & do not mind-read.

• Express (more than once) appreciation for the other person's time & contribution — small courtesies & compliments can go a long way.

But, once you shift to higher gears — more attention, intention, and emotional intelligence is required. And skill. This is when your conversations upgrade — humility and high trust are required to tread appropriately. The reward here is uncovering shared humanity.

To help you connect better during such "transformational" conversations, consider remembering the acronym COIN:

• Candor — Show transparency and vulnerability.

• Openness — Listen without judging and always remember to share air time.

• Interpersonal Humility — Let go of your ego. Be equally open to influence. There's no need to "win".

• Novelty — Foster creativity by hearing, sharing, and building upon ideas together.

Just like learning how to shift between gears; improvements in conversations take time, patience, and practice.

But like everything else in life — the more you do it, the better at it you get.

That's it for today!

Thank you for reading & see you next week.

Much love,

Julian

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