7 Ways to Find Your Partner

Read on my website. 

Read time — 9.5 minutes.

17 days.

That's how long it's been since my girlfriend left.

17 long and tiring days. This hits harder when considering that she was here for almost 2 months. Co-habitating & spending practically 24/7 with your partner can be very rewarding, intimate, and beautiful. However, nothing prepares you for the moment they leave.

That's how you go from 100 to 0 my friends.

In one second. You're at 0.

You had her. She was right there. You could hold her.

The next, she was gone. Across the world. Not to see her again for God knows how long.

But yes, that is indeed what she and I both signed up for. The many joys of long-distance dating.

That's what lots of folks felt they could tell me. But the thing is they just don't know.

People love to tell you what they think and freely give you their opinion. Usually — these types of people are your family. They think they know you so well that they can consult you on your entire life. And that's fine — that's what family’s for. If they can't do it, then who can?

But it goes beyond the act of consulting me on what you think is best for me in my circumstance. Because the fact is they tend to lack the necessary context.

Nobody knows my situation better than myself.

You still wanna give advice? Go for it. But remind yourself to ask as much as you can, and learn as much as possible to have the emotional intelligence & maturity to put yourself in their shoes. That's the only way you can understand their perspective and the viewpoint of the situation as accurately as possible.

But even then, the advice you give won't be the most applicable. Because once again — nobody knows you better than you know yourself.

Which is tough as it is because many struggle to even know their own self...

These thoughts recently have been coming to mind because lots of people have been asking me about my dating life and "how I went about" finding my girlfriend.

And what I tell them is:

1. I didn't "find" her.

2. What worked for me may not necessarily work for you.

Like with all these letters — nothing I say or advise you on is ever something you should do. What I aim to do with these is share with you (& myself) what worked (& didn't) for me in my own life. And if this is something you can relate to and/or apply — then great.

With that in mind, because I've been getting some requests on "how to go about dating", I thought I'd make an actionable letter on this. These suggestions are timeless and applicable to any age — whether you're a single recently divorced woman in her 50s looking for someone to swoop you up or just a 26-year-old in Switzerland looking for a long-term chicita who understands you and works as hard as you do — this will be useful for anyone.

Haven't forgotten about you either — there will be something in there that's applicable for you too! And this may just be a good time to take a trip down memory lane reminiscing about how you ended up with your current sweetheart, don't you think?

Let's dive right in.

Finding A Partner

Why is dating so important?

From an evolutionary perspective — you have 1 job to complete.

That is finding a mate that you find desirable and attractive, but more importantly fertile.

How can you observe fertility though?

Through health status and physical formidability.

Which you observe through physical appearance at large.

This is why men are more likely to fall in love "at first sight" relative to their female counterparts since their evolutionary instincts kick in. They strive to complete that "job 1" — which only is successfully completed once they've selected a fertile mate.

You may think this isn't of high importance these days. But consider this — those who, in your evolutionary past, selected an infertile mate, didn't become your ancestors, right?

Remember — we are all descendants of this long & unbroken chain of ancestors all of whom succeed in selecting a fertile mate.

So next time you're attracted to someone — remind yourself that some of those evolutionary instincts are still present within you!

And when you find someone you're attracted to, that's when it gets deeper. That's when you look inwards — into their "personality" if you will.

Finding a partner, in the broadest sense, is about seeking companionship, connection, and support in life. And this is why this concept goes beyond just the romantic realm, translating into your everyday broad social dynamics. Such as building networks, developing strong client relationships, or joining communities or clubs.

For all of these, the underlying principles of trust, support, mutual growth, and shared experiences are all present (& universal) to create those lasting and powerful bonds.

The 7 Steps

So with that in mind — here are 7 ways that I'm confident will help you excel in the social realm at large (& get you closer to finding that partner):

1) Put Your Ego Aside.

Stop pretending or lying to yourself that you know it all.

You're not good when you know more. You're only good when you try to learn new things & attempt to make sense of the things that don't — and love is one of them, my friends. It doesn't make sense. And that's the beauty of it.

For a long time, I thought I knew how to go about finding a girl and would do things that were against my true nature. And not only would this not feel good but it also took me nowhere. My inability to put my ego to the side, and seek guidance or advice was stopping me from knowing my true self. And like I've said many times before — identity always comes first.

Identity first. Intimacy second.

But I was stubborn. I thought I already "knew" myself — and to be fair, one never fully "knows" themselves. It's an ever-evolving process. But when you take the time to speak with someone about yourself, sit with your thoughts and get to the bottom of each one — you can say you know yourself a tad better.

And sometimes that's all you need — to look inward. Whether you know how to do this, or need guidance — put your ego aside and ask for help. And if that means spending money — then I encourage you to do it. I did it. And it helped me.

I got to know myself better as a result. My self-worth and confidence boosted. I stopped being shy. I knew myself better than ever before. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want in myself (as well as in another).

But all this wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't put my pride away and allowed myself to learn from others who knew better than me — which brings us to point 2.

2) Learning From Others

This one isn't necessarily about learning from someone who is dating or is in a "successful" marriage — but more about learning how to boost those skills and perceptions you hold of yourself to attract others who feel the same way.

What you perceive in this world is largely a reflection of your own attitudes and beliefs. Life will give you what you attract with your thoughts.

Think, talk, and act negatively — your world will likely be filled with negativity.

Approach it with enthusiasm — your world will attract positivity.

It's simple.

The greatest person you want to attract is yourself.

3) Get Rid of The "Maybes"

Stop being afraid of saying "no".

Don't allow past negative encounters with those unable to handle rejection, or your own fear of causing pain, to deter you from asserting your right to say no.

Avoid saying (and hearing) the following:

• "Not sure"

• "Maybe, we'll see"

• "I don't know yet"

Either say yes or no (& the same goes for the other).

If they reject your initial date suggestion, make sure you offer another potential day. Make sure you find one that works for both of you. If they keep saying they can't — take the hint and move on. But at least, you got to the bottom of it and you're not leaving with that "maybe I should've offered an alternative date".

And if you're not interested, be clear. Save time for both you and the other.

There's plenty of fish. But not enough time to catch them all.

Truly anything is better than a "maybe".

4) Forget About The Pics

The pictures are just one part of it. And yes the physical appearance (as we've mentioned already — does matter).

But, once you've looked at them enough — ignore the pictures. Move on to only focusing on their communication.

Looks are the starting point. Everything else boils down to the communication style itself:

• the way they talk

• how they listen & respond

• the kind of words they choose to use

• their tone and the emotion in their voice

• their ability to engage in meaningful conversations

• their ability to express their thoughts and feelings openly

This is truly a never-ending list.

But it's super important. From showing their intellect to ambition and humour — their communication speaks lengths about the kind of person they are.

Put most of your focus on that.

5) Value The Important Things

Let me offer a reframe:

Shift your focus from little things like height, tattoos, piercings, & their favourite drinks; to their actions, emotions, and why their past relationships didn't work out (or why they couldn't stay with that person).

Although the little things matter when added together, the important part is figuring out if you're compatible and if you can match the others' needs. Remember — a relationship is only as long-term as it is productive.

You match their needs. They match yours.

But that can only be possible when you share how you view the world — by being as honest & truthful as possible from the get-go. Share why your past relationships didn't work out, and aim to understand fully the reasons behind it. Just as important for them to understand why you haven't either.

Talk about the negatives — if all of your downsides are not bothersome for another, then that has the potential to become a very strong relationship. Ultimately the "right" person for you will not find — all these things that everybody else complained about — to be a big deal.

Take all the negatives and find somebody who thinks those negatives are positives (or at least neutral).

That's how you actually like someone for who they are.

6) Expose Yourself

Allow yourself to develop the skill to pick and judge people.

This is one of the most underrated yet valuable skills one can develop.

But it's not as easy as it may seem — it takes pattern recognition and the potential of getting hurt.

Remember — there's no problem with judging people. You need to assess them, right? How will you assess them without judging them?

What you're thinking is "wrong" is calling them or labelling them as "good" or "bad", based on that assessment. That's where it's not correct. But getting an accurate assessment (from your point of view) of the other is totally fine, very human-like, and quite necessary if you ask me.

Judge everyone, but don't measure yourself against them.

By starting to recognize patterns.

How do you do that?

By putting yourself out there. Be willing to have terrible first dates. Even terrible 3rd or 4th ones.

For as long as it takes.

Worst case you end up with a whole new set of character traits that you desire in another that you didn't even know were important to you to begin with!!

7) Know Yourself

And the last (& perhaps most important) one, my friends —

Make sure you possess enough self-awareness.

Some of the best things you can do for your dating life have nothing to do with dating.

Whether that means working through your own trauma, getting therapy sessions, or joining that rock-climbing club that makes you feel good.

A lot of your life experiences may hinder and affect your ability to be loved, as well as to love back. And this can definitely hold you back.

So make sure you are familiar with who you are. Know your goals to then be able to communicate them. If you know it, then make sure the other knows it too. Remember — you want the other to judge you by the metrics that you judge yourself on.

Make sure that the things that they expect of you and the things you expect of you are the same.

But you can only do that if you know what you expect of yourself.

So get to know yourself.

Conclusion 

Take this letter as you will.

These are just a few things I've noticed from my own relationship as well as things that other people have kindly shared.

Whatever you do, do not ignore the fact that your dating life is indeed important.

And as you go through it — remind yourself that you can't please everyone. So don't get discouraged if things don't always go the way you anticipated.

The most important thing ever (when dating, creating, or just living) is satisfying yourself.

You always come first. Remember that.

And if you do go on dates "exposing" yourself as per point 6) — remember to keep it light.

This also applies to our friends who are already in relationships. Keeping it light (by just going for drinks & having a conversation in a new & unfamiliar location) is sometimes the best way to "re-align" or "check-in" with a potential or existing partner.

Just talking to the other, getting to know (or updating yourself) on how they view the world (today vs. before), and observing the ways in which they communicate.

And if it's your first date — this type of "light" encounter can be a good indication of whether you wanna see them again or not!

Stay positive. Good things take time. And honestly, there's a lot of beauty in that.

Thanks for reading!

Much love,

Julian

PS. As always — respond to this email directly if any breakthroughs take place in your dating life after reading this letter.

If you enjoyed that — I invite you to share it with others who might find it valuable.

If this email was forwarded to you or you're reading online, you can subscribe here.

If you prefer shorter-form writing, you'd like my X posts.