Read on my website.

Read time — 8.5 minutes

This tweet hits hard.

Yes, I’m aware I wrote it.

But, I wrote it thinking about myself 4-5 years ago.

I had just gotten to Montreal for my first semester in college. And I wanted to work.

I wanted to get a part-time job and earn some pocket money. And that's what I did.

I applied to a few jobs:

• As a cashier at a salad bar

• As a sales representative at a gym

• As a sales representative at a Uniqlo store

After a few quick interviews, the salad bar was "very sad to announce that [they] would unfortunately not be proceeding with my application at this moment" but hoped I applied again & whatnot.

At the gym, the process was a little different.

I did the first & only interview and upon ending the interview, the branch manager said "Great, we'll see you tomorrow! Be here at 9."

And I immediately thought to myself — this isn't how interviews go, right?

• Don't they first have to speak about it with the rest of their team?

• Don't I have some time to think about it before I decide?

• Am I even allowed to say I'm not interested?

It was all quite confusing to me. I didn't know if it worked any differently in Canada... was it a given that once you applied somewhere you were automatically interested & couldn't say no thereafter?

Ah, the young & innocent mind!

So the call ends and I immediately think — "shit, I should've said something! Why didn't I say anything?!" — And that really bothered me.

For a while.

I still hadn't heard back from Uniqlo even. And not to mention the gym's manager wasn't too clear on the wage, the pay dates, or even the hours!!

It was all too quick.

I truly thought it was just a first-contact interview... one where I would be asked questions about myself (which they did). And it's not like I didn't ask any questions myself... I did! But she just didn’t elaborate on her responses as much as I would’ve liked, and there goes my biggest mistake — that is, letting it slip & not insisting further until I got an answer I was clear with.

Not to mention I could've said at the end that I wasn't sure yet if I would come in tomorrow as I needed some time to think about it.

Truly — anything would've been better than just nodding my head & smiling...

So there I was, at 9 am the next day. At the gym I had somehow accepted to work at without much consent on my part.

This was entirely my fault. And I immediately thought:

What other problems would I be running into in my life because of my inability to speak up?

"What if..."

I began to picture all the missed opportunities, all the things I wished I would’ve said, the things I wished I could’ve done.

Now it was too late. Anything I could say should've been said during that first interview.

Not to mention that I quickly found out how to go about rejecting a job offer you initially were interested in when Uniqlo called asking about my earliest start date.

"Learn from your mistakes," they say.

And that I did.

Yet, today — I can't help but think of all the lost opportunities people go through due to their inability to speak their true minds & thoughts.

If anything, it speaks lengths of the kind of person you are.

The kind of person I used to be.

It speaks of how well you respond to social pressures. Those situations that involve some level of "conflict".

In the social world, there are two types of people.

Let me introduce you to the first kind, The Abdallah's — my mother's side of the family. Those kinds of people that have no problem whatsoever with speaking their minds.

Picture yourself at a restaurant. Your food is taking waaay longer than expected; but your typical Abdallah will have no problem, let alone any shame whatsoever, to go into the back of the kitchen and claim that they've been waiting for too long.

Your typical Abdallah will have no problem with requesting (more than once) for the wine aisle at a Pharmacy while the store clerk is dealing with a theft.

Your typical Abdallah will have no shame in claiming their food is too cold, or the wine is too warm, or the fact that their table is too close to the bathroom (or to the entrance)...

Your typical Abdallah has no problem with speaking their mind freely. In fact, they speak their mind so freely that they see no issue with requesting an order that was just placed with a waiter that is still standing at your table.

And honestly, they have every right.

They are paying for a service, whether it's at a restaurant, at a store, or on a plane, and they have some level of expectation in return. And that's fair.

I don't know if I would necessarily go about it that way. But I respect where they're coming from.

The second type of person is one that doesn't face & deal with the "conflict" like an Abdallah would and instead folds.

Here, let me introduce you to my father's side of the family (to some extent), The Saad's. I'd say this only applies to half the Saad family as there are a few members here (you know who you are) that tend to adopt the Abdallah ways. But, the typical Saad will most likely choose agreeableness over facing conflict. Sometimes, we may even speak our mind but do so in the most polite & agreeable way... to the point where if our request is not met with the desired expectation, we will let it go.

And that's the difference between these two kinds of people in the social world. The typical Abdallah does not want to live with a "what if...", they can't even dread the idea of all the missed opportunities that may come from not speaking when they had the chance.

The typical Saad, on the other hand, is often living with some kind of regret (& hindsight) due to not facing that little conflict.

And that's the thing. There are so many situations where doing or saying one little thing makes a whole lot of a difference!

• Do you question your boss when they make a mistake?

• Do you correct a colleague who mispronounces your name repeatedly?

• Do you speak up when a friend makes an insensitive joke in a social setting?

The real question — can you speak up when the moment calls for it?

Can you speak up to get what you desire, have earned, or require?

Remember — 

So which one are you going to be?

An Abdallah? Or a Saad?

Speaking Up

I may have said the Saads don't tend to speak up... but this isn't entirely true.

My father's side of the family (& specifically my father) tend to be very comfortable with public speaking & social situations at large. Whether it's in business settings or personal ones, he is able to speak to anyone, anywhere.

And as a result, he's been able to boost his perceived

• Status

• Respect

• Authority

Why?

Because it's rare to see someone be so comfortable with speaking to just anyone.

From a young age, I've tried to model his behaviour. And I've had a chance to do so — whether it's accompanying him to important business meetings, taking part in sales experiences, or seeing him give talks in front of hundreds; I was always there.

And today — I truly believe he is the reason for my ability to speak without any real fear.

However, there is a small caveat. And that is — although we are more than able to speak this freely, we tend to hold back during those little conflicts we just described earlier. And that at times, can be a real issue.

I think the reason lies in that we rather appeal to the person we're "in conflict" with rather than dig deeper into that conflict (that most of the time will go nowhere + is a waste of time).

But the question remains — is that a good thing?

At times, yes. At other times (like during my job at the gym), probably not.

Therefore, whether it's during

• dates

• job interviews

• family gatherings

You need to possess the ability to gauge social situations.

In other words; having social awareness.

Having the accurate social awareness to read the room, and understand when it may be opportune to step in & "deal" with that conflict (like an Abdallah would), and when perhaps, it may be more fitting, to be like a Saad and let it go.

But properly possessing that level of social awareness isn't easy & doesn't come overnight.

So — here are 3 quick tips you can use when faced with social pressures (& little conflicts):

1) Reflect Before Reacting

Reflect, & ask yourself "what damage will this do to me if I don't voice myself right now?".

If the potential harm of not speaking up is significant (rating 7/10 or higher) — where 1 is the least harmful & 10 the most — then consider taking action and voicing your concerns.

In these types of situations, take a moment to breathe and think before you respond. This pause can help you assess the situation more clearly and decide on the best approach, whether it's to stand firm or step back.

2) Interrupt the Interrupter

Let's say you're at a job interview like I was when applying at that gym.

Your potential boss or supervisor proceeds to claim that you will be starting tomorrow without even having given you the chance to respond.

And whenever you do choose to respond, they interrupt or hold a commanding presence over you.

Two things here — the frame of the situation matters. Because they are interviewing you, your initial perception is not to interrupt them or appear "unprofessional" or "rude", which therefore leads you to remain quiet. But then, as time passes, you never get to voice your opinion or thought.

Conclusion — interview ends & you still haven't voiced that concern. Now, you're practically obliged to come in tomorrow just like I did.

So what can you do here?

Firstly, spot the consequence of not speaking up. Remember the consequence of not speaking up rating.

And in this specific case; try the "may I finish?" approach. As soon as they interrupt and you've calculated the potential consequence of not speaking up (which in essence is listening to your gut), you quickly reclaim your word.

"May I finish, please?"

Yes, this is posed as a question. But it's not. You won't even let them answer the question. You will not even wait for a pause. You will simply finish your thought & quickly establish influence again in that specific relationship.

Next time, try that out first. But if it doesn't immediately work — consider changing how you express yourself conveying a greater sense of confidence. Be assertive in your thoughts. And don't beat around the bush.

Just get to it.

3) Build Your Assertiveness & Learn to Let Go

Lastly, remember that the more you do it, the more second nature it becomes, and therefore, the easier it gets.

But I think an important suggestion here is to consider doing this incrementally. That means, starting small and with a low stake situation; such as sending a meal you ordered back to the kitchen because the meat was too rare, or asking for a simple addition to that meal.

Whatever it is — start small, and build your way up!

It will gradually build your confidence in making such asks — and as your confidence rises, so will the asks in question leading you to a territory of more significant interactions.

The second part here is letting go.

Choose your battles.

You can't have it all.

Here, the consequence of not speaking up rating you assign comes in handy to realize whether this is a battle worth fighting.

But frankly, the more interactions you can learn to let go, the better. The world gives back to those who give first. And the more you give, the more you're operating in surplus.

It's a simple rule I like to live by. And if you don't, that's fine. To each their own.

But try and remember that not every battle is worth fighting, especially when considering the time, energy, and effort invested into each one. Really try and ask yourself before — "is this worth my time?".

Perhaps give "your time" a monetary worth before answering that question.

Then, check with yourself if you'd be willing to spend that much for "dealing" with this little conflict.

Tying It Back To The Gym

Although things didn't go as expected during my gym interview;

I must say that phrase we are all so very familiar with...

everything happens for a reason.

And that's entirely true. If it wasn't for the gym, I wouldn't have found my side hustle of modelling.

During my first day there, a fashion designer walked in and...

Honestly, it's a long story.

You can catch the full story on a future episode of The Dom's Dance Court Podcast with that very same fashion designer that I met on my first day. We've become & remained good friends, that many years later.

He was supposed to be the next guest on the podcast... however, some unforeseen circumstances took place on the day we had set out to record. Therefore, it won't be happening this week anymore.

:(

Hopefully sometime soon in the future though.

But for now, I'll leave the curiosity loop open.

In terms of the social pressures & conflicts we've been discussing in this letter — remind yourself of that consequence of not speaking up rating, and then choose when it would be more fitting to be like an Abdallah or like a Saad.

But more importantly, in any circumstance, don't forget to ask yourself whether it's really worth your time.

If it's not — this is your sign to ask yourself for a raise.

With that, thanks for reading!

Much love,

Julian

If you enjoyed that — I invite you to share it with others who might find it valuable.

If this email was forwarded to you or you're reading online, you can subscribe here.

If you prefer shorter-form writing, you'd like my X posts.