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Today, my friends, we'll be discussing a very interesting topic.

For some, you may be aware that this is applicable to you; whereas for others, you may not have known (till now) that you are indeed in a similar situation.

The topic in question surrounds people with narcissistic tendencies.

Individuals of a certain disposition, characterized by a profound deficiency in their capacity to transcend the limitations imposed by their personal experiences.

Imagine someone who looks at themselves in the mirror all day long and thinks they're the most important person in the world. They believe they are more special than everyone else and want everyone to only look and listen to them. It's like someone who only wants to play with their own toys and doesn't share or care about playing with others.

Narcissists have a very strong tendency to not put themselves in anybody else's shoes but their own.

In essence, it's all about them. Even when the situation at hand inherently isn't.

Why this topic you may be wondering?

Well, not only have I had the lucky chance to deal with one or two here and there, but I have close people in my life who have (& are still) dealing with such people, to the point where it's become rather debilitating for them.

And that's right, it isn't easy.

But just like I would tell them — if you can learn to engage, communicate, and understand how to deal with a narcissist, you are more than capable of dealing with anybody else.

With that, let's dive straight in!

It's Their World & We're Just Living In It

That's right.

A narcissist doesn't care about love and closeness. They care solely about power & control.

How to know if you're dealing with a narcissistic person in your life?

Is there someone in your life who:

• Devalues you

• Ridicules you

• Humiliates you

• Embarrasses you

Even more, does that someone also exude:

• Grandiosity

• A lack of empathy

• A need for admiration

• A sense of entitlement

• A superficial relationship

• Manipulative or controlling behaviours

• Exploitative tendencies in the relationship

• Difficulties with taking & accepting criticism

• Beliefs about others always being envious of them

• Beliefs & claims about others always being at fault (constant blaming)

If so, consider yourself in the presence of a narcissist.

They will question what you say, they will have the opposite opinion, and at the same time, they will criticize you and your opinion.

As this continues, you eventually will feel bad about yourself, doubting yourself regularly, doubting your beliefs & opinions, and you might even begin to doubt your own thoughts. At the extreme, you may begin to believe that there is something inherently wrong with you, to the point where it damages all your future relationships & human connections (where you believe you are unlovable and undeserving of love at large).

This isn't right. Just because you happened to fall in the presence of a narcissist (romantic or otherwise), it doesn't mean you need to suffer the consequences.

Because as easy as it may be to tell you to "step away", "leave", or "cut all ties & communication" with that person — in practice, it's not that doable. I do realize & understand that many of these narcissists may be family members, romantic partners, childhood friends, or even work/professional colleagues, all of which makes it all the more complicated to just "cut ties".

And that's where the idea for this letter came from.

What if there was a way to use this relationship to your advantage?

Dealing With A Narcissist

The first step here is to learn to accept yourself. To know yourself so well that whatever they may say or do — it does not affect you.

You know yourself so damn well that whatever is to come out of their mouths, it has no impact on you.

Why?

Because you know yourself so well that there is no question about it.

You're confident in your abilities.

And evidently, this isn't an easy process. Getting to know yourself that well takes time. A long time. But this is where dealing with somebody like this can not only fuel that self-awareness & self-understanding, but it can accelerate it.

I'm merely mentioning it so it remains in the back of your mind that as you continue to deal, engage, and communicate with them — your own comprehension & grasp of your true self continues to develop on the backend.

On the front end, however, you need to remember a few things.

1) Slow it down.

People with narcissistic tendencies & personalities want everything to happen right now. They are very quick and they will do anything to always be with you. Because the presence of having you by their side only fuels them & reminds them of their need to control you in ways they find desirable.

In a romantic relationship for example — these signs of rapidity will be shown through wanting to move in as soon as possible, wanting to get married and have children even if you just met last week. They will find ways to charm you and put you in a corner to the point where you have trouble saying "no" to such demands & impulses.

So what can you do?

Learn to pause things. Increase the gap between the number of days you see one another. Take time to respond to their messages, their calls, and their emails.

Set boundaries.

They need someone who isn't assertive; who isn't confident.

Aspire to be the most confident person when with them — the more you practice, the more you'll be able to exude that same confidence with every other relationship in your life.

Learn to say no. And most importantly, do not feel bad when you say "no".

Be strong.

If you live with them — begin to lock your room if possible. Or stay & be out of the house as much as you can. Or if possible, move out.

Whatever you do, reduce the amount of time they get to see and be by your side.

2) Bomarbding

More often than not, the narcissist will continually message, call or solicit to see you.

As mentioned, they do not have the capacity to see beyond their own experience. In other words, they do not understand nor have taken the time to grasp that you are your own entity and have your own life and plans.

Therefore, it doesn't matter how many times you are to remind them of this; they won't internalize nor comprehend it, because they simply cannot.

Remember, from their point of view — it's their world and we're "lucky" to be living in it.

So what can you do?

Learn to not respond to these messages. Remind yourself of the true reason behind their bombarding — that is, they are doing it for their own benefit.

As long as you can remember their true intentions, it shouldn't be an issue to disengage and take your time with your replies. If anything, it will remind you that you have your own life, schedule, dreams & aspirations (working on knowing your true self continually).

3) Oversharing

Due to their constant soliciting and requests — they will be the ones initiating & leading practically all conversations you have.

Because they lack social awareness & understanding.

So what can you do?

Be careful & do not overshare.

They are already not listening to you. They don't really care about what you're saying.

So why share in the first place?

Keep things to a minimum. If they happen to ask you something, just answer with the least possible words and context. Don't share more than what has been asked.

Don't tell them what you're doing, where you're going, or what your plans or intentions are.

Whatever you do, do not share more than is needed.

4) Reactions

This goes hand-in-hand with the previous point.

Do not react.

They seek & crave your attention. You are what fuels their ongoing narcissistic tendencies.

A narcissist is only able to be a narcissist in the presence of another.

Remember — they live off feeling power over you, by making you feel worse in whatever ways they can.

So what can you do?

React as little as possible.

The less you can react, the less they will get from you, and the less they will feel power over you.

Don't show emotion. Don't show that they are upsetting you.

The more they tease, demand, or request something from you while (successfully) getting you to react, lash out, or respond back — the more of a "winner" they will feel.

Whatever you do, do not make them feel like they are winning.

Whenever you react, they've won.

If you feel the urge to react — leave the room. Go to the bathroom. Text or call someone you trust (& that isn't a narcissist lol). And lash out at them. Rant to them.

Find a way to substitute the person you react to.

5) The Truth

Remind yourself as much as possible of the real truth.

You aren't responsible. It isn't your fault.

You didn't know. You were not aware that this person in your life was like this. And although they deceive and take advantage of you, it isn't your fault.

It has nothing to do with you.

So what can you do?

Speak to someone else whom you trust. Share with them the difficulties associated with this relationship.

Lash out. Rant to them. Let them be your punching bag.

Make sure they remind you of who you are, and more importantly — that this relationship doesn't define you and will not define you forever.

Remember — as long as you can know yourself, nothing anybody else says or does can break you apart.

Conclusion

As much as it may seem disadvantageous & hurtful to be in the presence of someone with such a personality, there are hidden benefits.

Being in close proximity to the point where you are forced to work and operate with them will force you to learn how to effectively deal with them.

And once you master the skills to deal with a narcissist, trust me when I say you can deal with anyone. Nothing else will matter. Nothing anyone else says will matter. It will all cease to matter.

Why?

Because you've been in the presence of the worst.

You've learned to take control of your emotions. Of your reactions.

You've reminded yourself and made it second nature that you have the power to control that one thing that isn't taken away from you (even in such a circumstance).

Remember, there is always a choice to be made.

Even in the presence of a raging narcissist, you have the opportunity to choose how you want to react; how you want it to make you feel; & how you want to go about it.

This type of circumstance is a rare one.

It's not common.

But when (& if) it happens to you, I urge you to see the light. The silver lining within it.

Because there truly is one.

And that is, it will help you become more vocal, to not be shy to speak your truth or your mind, and to learn how to communicate your thoughts, feelings, opinions & beliefs — without holding back.

These are all skills that took me a while to develop, but definitely were fuelled by my relations with people who bordered these types of personality disorders.

Not only did I learn to develop a better and stronger sense of self, but I learned to put myself first. I learned that I can still be kind, nice, and giving without doing so at the expense of my own well-being.

The most beautiful part perhaps was that I learned so much about myself, my strengths and definitely, my weaknesses. Truly, my friends, there is no better feeling than getting to know & understand yourself on such a deep level. And even more — being able to exercise this same behavioural pattern (& learnings) with all other people I subsequently met in my life (& formed relationships with).

Overall, I will conclude by saying that being in a relationship (professional, personal, or platonic) with a narcissist may not be as bad as it may initially seem.

It isn't.

Some specific situations & circumstances definitely will vary depending on the narcissist you are dealing with, the nature of the relationship, & the context. However, what doesn't change is your ability to choose your reactions & how to deal with that person.

Whoever you are, whatever you do — remind yourself you have this power.

This power that cannot be taken away from you.

No matter what.

Remember Viktor Frankl's words, and take this chance to get to know yourself.

You won't regret it.

Thank you for reading.

Much love,

Julian

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