How To Talk Without Talking

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There's a second language out there that you're not using enough.

Many don't even know it exists.

And that is the language of non-verbal cues and communication. Today — the aim is that you'll start consciously incorporating it more frequently in your day-to-day life.

Non-verbal communication and language reveal a lot more about a person than you can imagine.

But only if you pay enough attention.

In fact — up to 90% of what you communicate happens nonverbally, whereas the remaining 10% takes place with your words.

Its importance is therefore undeniable.

For numerous years, much of humankind's early communication was based exclusively on gestures, expressions, and grunts. Albeit ancient, these methods are still fundamental in human communication and are observed in today's world.

However — in a world where you already lack the proper models for communication & interaction (specifically with your words), how are you expected to properly communicate without them?

Well, folks, that’s exactly what we shall be exploring today: how to effectively communicate without saying a single word.

Let's dive in.

Why You Need To Master Non-Verbal Language

The degree to which you can put the pieces of these two languages together, the more you will be able to excel in social settings.

Developing this ability to decipher people at this higher level will prove beneficial.

Remember, we are social animals.

We used to only communicate with our mouths, eyes, face, and bodies. Even using sounds.

In today's landscape, things haven't changed as much either. In all your relationships, forms of non-verbal communication are crucial. Besides the classic body language — a sense of humour, musical tastes & preferences, and seduction at large, are all part of this non-verbal world.

If you wanna seduce someone — not solely in the romantic sense — you must master the art of non-verbal language.

Be it:

• In the way you smell

• In the gifts that you give

• In the way you communicate with your eyes

All these have a deeper significance and meaning.

Take a second to realize that there used to be periods of darkness where we didn't have words. We were communicating only non-verbally. Picking up signals from others.

We were watching every little detail of their behaviour because we didn't have the words to decipher it.

It was wired in our brains to have this kind of sensitivity to people's non-verbal behaviours.

It was almost like being telepathic in a way.

Well, my friends, the problem lies in that we do have the capacity to do this but we just haven't continued to develop it.

Today — we live in a society that is soooo word-oriented.

We just listen to people (if we're even listening to them at all).

Better put — we are just hearing the words that come out of others' mouths. We are deciphering whether the spoken words mean something. Whether they are sincere. Even if most times, they truly are not.

And while you're "listening" to others and their words, you are either:

• Moving away

• Shuffling in your chairs

• Looking away at other women or men

And as a result — you're not paying enough attention.

You don't notice their posture, their eyes, their smile, the way they position their feet.

But, realize these 2 things:

1. Someone’s posture tells you everything about their level of confidence.

2. Mastering the ability to detect one's fake smile will do wonders for you.

In romantic relationships, for example, when someone is genuinely smiling — their whole being lights up. Not just their mouth.

Every part of their face.

It means that somebody genuinely is smiling for you. They actually like and are interested in you.

But again — you and the rest of society at large continue to walk around and don't really understand the people around you.

You don't read the signs. You don't genuinely know how they are feeling, or what they are thinking. All of which puts you at a massive disadvantage.

In a way, you're living your days in darkness.

And this can be a huge reason for why at times you feel unhappy. You start overthinking and suffering from all these things in your surroundings all because you are misreading the people around you.

You hire someone based on their apparent charm. But then you discover they are actually a toxic person. The result?

The entire dynamic, vibe, and energy at your company completely ruined.

You get involved in a relationship with someone who seems very loving and giving. But then it turns out they are just a raging narcissist. The result?

Years of trouble and trauma for you.

All these are signs that you can and should be picking up from initial meetings and impressions. But you don't.

And that is why propelling forward with this capacity is paramount in every facet of your life.

How To Develop Your Non-Verbal Communication 

Let's start with the face.

The most obvious way to decipher non-verbal language is through the face. This applies in both directions — when you're trying to improve your non-verbal communication as well as when trying to pick up on another's:

Pay greater attention to their (& your) facial gestures.

The eyes generally express authentic emotion, surprise, and excitement by the way they open.

Think about "dead eyes".

That's exactly the kind of eyes you would see on a narcissist. They give you this impression that they are genuinely interested in your ideas. They display what seems to you like empathy and attentiveness. But in fact — upon careful observation & scrutiny of their eyes — you notice that they may lack genuine engagement.

In essence, the eyes are what gave it away.

I won't go any deeper into narcissism, but just like the attachment styles issue (which I haven't forgotten about), I'll leave it for a future letter.

Back on facial expressions and behaviour — you can tell when someone lacks genuine emotion through certain discrepancies in those gestures. For instance, their smile doesn't involve the whole face.

Genuine interest usually lights up the face! Something that cannot be faked.

Non-verbal language and communication at large can only go so far by itself. But when tied with context and social awareness, it can really go as far (and at times, further) than verbal language. And this is applicable in all your relationships — platonic, professional, familial, and romantic.

Let’s go over these 3 key concepts that’ll help you master non-verbal communication and 10x your social and interpersonal skills:

1. Expressing What You Feel, Feeling What You Express

For this step to make sense, you need to familiarize yourself with a physiological mechanism called proprioception — also known as your "sixth sense".

Your body can sense its position and movement in space. This is essential for everyday activities, allowing you to move and react to your environment without having to consciously think about every movement. This capability is fundamental for balance, coordination, and the ability to perform complex physical tasks.

This mechanism is responsible for this two-way street between your emotions and your bodily expressions. That is when you experience an overwhelming feeling or emotion — your neurons will send commands to your muscles to adopt a specific type of posture.

Take a feeling of insecurity during a first date. You're initially worried that your date may not find you attractive, or if you're a true overthinker — perhaps you're insecure about whether you're worthy of their love.

The point is that when you feel this insecurity crawling upon you, your body language responds with you crossing your arms, in a way forming a barrier between the person sitting opposite of you (your date) and yourself. This is your body's way of protecting you by shielding you from any potential connection with that person so that your future emotions and feelings do not experience any further pain.

So what can you do to use this to your advantage?

A study has also shown that the opposite also holds true. Meaning — if you consciously take on that attitude of insecurity (such as crossing your arms intentionally), your mind will begin to feel that corresponding emotion as a result. In other words — it works both ways.

So — start adopting a confident posture. Keep your head up, and shoulders straight. The result will be a more confident, relaxed, and self-assured person.

Try it. The more you do it, the better and more natural you will get at it.

2. Less Control at Greater Distances from the Brain

• Arms

• Hands

• Torso

These are the easiest conscious parts of your body to control.

But as a body part increases its distance away from the central nervous system — the less conscious control you can properly exercise over it. This is likely due to inattention. More so than physical distance at least. Take your legs — you usually pay less attention to their position than that of your arms for instance. Both in your everyday life and at the gym ;)

So what can you do to use this to your advantage?

Besides paying greater attention to the body language of your upper torso (and your counterpart's), pay close and careful attention to your own (and their) feet.

In typical Tarantino fashion.

Your feet can provide very valuable information as they tend to point toward what’s important to you. Whether that is another person or the emergency exit — you don't tend to notice it.

3. Adopt Intelligent Imitation

As you may remember — my former roommate was the only person I was seeing (and hanging with) for over 3 months during the first initial lockdown in 2020.

After this time together, whenever we'd be able to spend time with others, we'd always get told "you guys laugh the same way" or "you both are sitting in similar ways".

Well, this isn't a surprise because scientific evidence shows that when 2 people spend a lot of time with one another, they tend to adopt similar body language and expressions unconsciously.

As you build trust and spend more time together, your body language increasingly mirrors one another's.

So what can you do to use this to your advantage?

Reverse engineer it. This means starting by mimicking another's body language. This is a simple and easy way to begin building that trust.

However — be careful. You need to do it subtly and carefully as you don't want to make it obvious.

That's why it's key to be selective with who you imitate, and what you imitate them on:

1. Do not imitate gestures that are inherently unnatural to you

2. Do not imitate their moves immediately after they make them

3. Do not change the amplitude or intensity of their movements & gestures

Not necessarily. It will only work if you're being honest.

Those with greater social skills have incorporated this in their everyday lives and conversations unconsciously to make their counterparts more relaxed, and allow the conversation to progress into a deeper and more meaningful place.

For all these to prove advantageous to you — you need to pay careful and close attention. To both yourself, and those you interact with.

Tying It Back

Understanding people on a deeper level is incredibly important.

Remember — we have two languages. And we tend to be obsessed with just one. We continually fixate on people's words. But little do we realize that everything we know about words is that we can lie.

You can lie.

I can lie.

I can tell you right now that I speak every single language in the world, including those used by animals. In fact — just last week, I negotiated a peace treaty between a group of sparrows and a particularly territorial squirrel in my backyard.

I can say whatever I want, when I want.

So be careful because words can be used as a weapon for great deception.

But it's this second language that's much harder to be deceptive with.

You want to make yourself sensitive to this language because the degree to which you can begin to piece together this puzzle between both, the more power you will possess in the social realm.

This is when you'll be able to influence people on a higher level.

You'll be able to get them more interested in your ideas.

You may not be able to read their minds, but you will definitely be able to sense their moods and emotions.

You would now have that power.

But you need to pay attention. To everything:

• Their writing style: It offers additional insights.

• The way they say "Goodbye": Indicates true feelings towards you.

• Their tone in texts/emails: Reveals excitement, emotion, and interest.

• Their time management: Suggests conscientiousness and self- vs. other-orientation.

Every action, from how they drive to their punctuality, is a language in itself.

Ultimately, you tend to project your own preconceptions onto others, perceiving yourself in a one-dimensional way. Therefore, by evolving towards understanding others' perspectives, moods, and thoughts — you uncover new dimensions of understanding, leading to greater social intelligence and power.

So what can you do from now on?

Develop the practice of shutting off others' words and watch people almost as if you were watching a muted TV.

Watch and closely observe their behaviours. Don't focus too much on the words.

Your ability to mute that TV will open up & reveal so many things about people.

The first (and perhaps hardest step) is paying attention. But once you do that, it can actually be a lot of fun.

The next time you're at a coffee shop — just watch those around you.

Watch from afar. From a distance where you can't hear them. And just observe their non-verbal behaviours as they interact, and pay attention to the signs of genuine emotion they give off.

Added bonus for those feeling a little extra cheeky:

If you see someone you know (or want to try this with a stranger, be my guest):

Go up to someone from an angle where they can't see you coming up to them, and then surprise them.

Upon their turn towards you — in that initial 1/50th of a second — their genuine expression reveals how they really think and feel about you.

If you don't detect and can't pick up on those microexpressions — you'll miss it and the mask will come on.

And that’s the last thing you want folks: to not be able to see through that mask..

That's it for today! Implement these and send any breakthroughs by simply replying to this email.

Thank you for reading.

Much love,

Julian

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