How I'm Standing Out vs. 99% of Folks

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Read time — 10 minutes.

Although I believe this because I wrote it recently... my view has been challenged.

I don't know what challenged it though. Whether it was while prepping & researching for this letter's topic, or just my life today versus 2 weeks ago when I wrote that tweet.

Today, I don't believe that keeping in what you want to say is the best idea. And there definitely is no "signal" or "sign" to keep something to yourself just because somebody "intercepted the message's transmission". Haha. Even just re-writing and reading it aloud again makes me chuckle — which is what I love about writing my ideas and thoughts online.

I absolutely love it. The accountability, the public sharing, the ability to properly "zoom-out" on my work and allow my critical mind to kick in.

The point though is there's a way to share what you truly believe and desire to share even if the first intent was unsuccessful. There's always room for you to speak your thoughts, share your ideas, and be heard. I, today, am still navigating these waters and learning daily how to express myself better, be more vocal, and speak without (real) fear. But this isn't easy. Not only does it take courage to voice my own ideas and opinions, but it takes a lot of understanding beforehand in oneself (& others).

With that in mind, these past few weeks (& months at large) I've been experimenting with the different ways that one can use to position themselves in a way that allows them to speak this freely, and genuinely be heard & listened to. More importantly — positioning yourself in a way where you are being fair to yourself, your ideas, and your beliefs.

So this letter today (& frankly every other I've written & will continue to write) is a letter to myself.

I'll be exploring the different ways I'm learning & continually applying these methods to all my interpersonal relationships to allow me to voice my opinions, and properly receive the attention (& ears) that I deserve.

(Possibly you can do the same in your own life).

Let's dive in!

They're Not Listening 

I touched on this notion in one of the previous letters not too long ago, but to add more nuance, remember that you (& others) don’t listen enough.

And if you think you're listening, you're not hearing the words properly.

Defending your position is not listening. Preparing your response back is not listening either. Attacking another's position — not listening.

When listening — there's only the present moment. And while your eyes and mouth can be sealed whenever you please, your ears have no lid. There is nothing to close them.

Your ears:

• Take in what surrounds them

• Always receive but cannot transmit

• Are simply present to the world around

To really listen is to engage and pay attention to all these sounds.

To be present with them.

To be in communication with them.

Communication moves in 2 directions. That is — one speaks, the other listens (silently).

Usually, when the listener is fully present, the speaker communicates differently because most folks aren't used to being fully heard. And this can be rather daunting for them. But — the issue lies in that many block the flow of information being offered.

This compromises the act of truly listening as your critical mind kicks in, taking note of:

• What you may like and dislike

• What you may agree with and may not

• What reasons you can come up with to counterargue

But remember — listening is suspending your disbelief.

Listening is openly receiving.

Listening is paying attention with no preconceived ideas.

Listening is fully and clearly understanding what is being transmitted, remaining totally present with what is being expressed. And allowing it to be simply what it is.

Anything else is not only a disservice to the speaker, but also to yourself.

Remember — when others struggle to properly understand the subtleties of your behaviour or perspective — it's due to them not fully exploring nor acknowledging their own biases and limitations.

It's this gap in self-awareness that hinders empathy and open-mindedness, leading to misunderstandings and judgments that are more reflective of their own inner struggles than anything to do with you! This is why you want to properly listen to others when they talk. Not coming up with a counterargument, not coming up with an opposing opinion. Actually just listening. Otherwise — your worldview will just continually shrink.

But this goes deeper than just listening.

Listening is just one part of the equation. The other parts stem from lacking the ways of becoming more attractive in others' eyes. There are many things (beyond listening) you can do to be taken more seriously (& for your ideas to be listened to with the same attentiveness).

So what if I told you that the way you describe (& think of yourself at large) could really make all the difference?

How You Describe Yourself Matters

Which of the following do you consider yourself to be?

• A natural — a person that's blessed with innate talent

• A striver — a person who worked hard to achieve their skillset

Contrary to popular belief, and probably to most of your answers — a Harvard study has come out with the (surprising) results that most people perceive naturals as superior to strivers.

I know what you're thinking — how does this make sense? It basically goes against everything we've ever been taught. We usually think so highly of people who work like crazy and have learned all these skills and behaviours, propelling them to where they are today, right?

Well, this Harvard study conducted two experiments where participants read fabricated bios of two pianists — one described as a natural talent and the other as a hardworking striver — before listening to an identical piano recording attributed to each, to assess how perceived background influences their perception of ability.

The results went to show that participants rated the exact same piano performance differently based on the fictional background provided, favouring the "natural" talent over the "striver".

Let's continue with the 2nd experiment, which was focused on entrepreneurs.

In this one — Harvard researchers created fictional bios for two entrepreneurs, identical in knowledge, skills, and experience, differing only in their paths to success — one as a "natural" prodigy and the other as a "striver" through trial and error. 

Participants listened to the same pitch deck for both but (once again) rated the "natural" entrepreneur as more likely to succeed and a preferable investment choice.

And this is the case in both experiments even though those same participants claimed that “training is more important than talent"...

But clearly that isn't the case. Them claiming they value hard work over natural talent went against their choices right?

The Harvard researchers went on to explain these results with 2 main takeaways that involve this naturalness bias that you can use to your advantage from now on:

1) Describe Yourself As A Natural

While still being as polite and humble as possible — work on being gifted from the start in all your descriptions & bios of yourself, and especially when speaking about yourself.

Well, my friends, take me as an example of how I apply this to my current writing occupation.

When sharing with others that I'm a writer, I could portray myself in one of two ways:

Option 1 — "Growing up, writing didn’t come easily to me, but I dedicated countless hours to refining my craft, attending workshops, and reading extensively in college, which ultimately set me apart from my colleagues.”

This humble approach highlights my hard work and perseverance, with traits that many admire. However, not only is this not true, but when drawing from the insights of the Harvard study, it might be more useful & compelling to paint myself with the following:

Option 2 — "I realized at a young age I've always had a natural affinity for storytelling. This innate talent, coupled with the discipline to sharpen my skills through rigorous study and practice in college, propelled me to the forefront of my field as a writer.”

As you can see, this narrative still showcases and brings forth my hard work, determination, and "rigorous study" (which is more in line with actual occurrences), but the difference lies in that I'm incorporating this element of innate ability alongside the hard work component (which is actually true). This is what enhances others' perceptions, importantly showcasing that I had this gift from the beginning.

2) Be Mindful Of The Naturalness Bias

From now on, whenever someone else describes themselves to you — remind yourself that we all have these internal biases. We all believe in the prodigies, naturals, and the gifted as superiors.

So whether they are telling you a little about themselves on your next night out, or they're introducing themselves to you at the the gym, be mindful that it may not be necessarily true.

Be mindful of the use of naturalness language. It really can make all the difference in how you perceive others (and how they perceive you). Don't let it impact the decisions you make when it comes to connecting, forming a relationship with them, or networking at large; let alone the choices you make involving them. Because remember — what matters here is whether they are actually skilled at what they say they are, not how they got there.

Sell the destination, not the plane ride, folks.

Earning Respect From Others

Take the following as you will. If you've read Greene's 48 Laws of Power book, then you know it could be seen as unethical to some extent. So use the following cautiously. Nevertheless, it's important to acknowledge that there is truth to Robert's words, and these are indeed necessary for anyone who wants to achieve and maintain influence in today's landscape.

And even if you embrace these tips and use them daily — remind yourself to do so with the highest character and a solid moral basis.

1) Wardrobe Choices

You may be thinking that nobody really minds what you wear, as people are too fixated and focused on their own looks. Although this is true, think about going to lunch with your boss and his network. You would most likely dress a tad better than usual, right?

Why? To make a first good impression (because yes, they are all judging you as soon as they lay eyes on you), but also because you want to look and act professional. Your wardrobe does indeed play a big role in that.

In my case, every time I go with my dad somewhere (especially from now on), I will make sure to dress even better than him.

Evidently without overdoing it. But you get the point. I want to dress so well that the powerful network of people I meet thanks to him treats me with the utmost respect.

Besides, dressing this way also looks good on the person who brought me, as it speaks to the fact that they brought someone who can read and understand social and professional situations. Do realize that dressing "less professional" and somewhat more sloppy could make others perceive you as lazy, unreliable, or unprofessional. So it's not literally about the clothes you choose to wear, but the deeper meaning that those choices bring forward.

Yes.

I will use mating & evolutionary psychology to back this up — attractiveness & physical impressions as a whole will always be important when selecting a mate (in this case, both romantically and professionally speaking). They are a reflection of health and fertility (romantic POV), and going deeper — health and physical formidability speaks of your discipline to make time to work out, eat well, and stay in shape.

2) Power Postures

Renowned clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson studied lobsters.

That's right. Lobsters.

And as he studied lobsters, he noticed that those that held an upright posture had better access to improved mating, more food, bigger shelters, and all the other lobsters' respect. The other lobsters viewed those with a good posture as dominant!

The same can be said about us. Neurochemicals are released into our brains when standing still, causing us to feel better about ourselves. Those with less dominant postures, on the other hand, experience serotonin depletion, leading to irritability. Needless to mention slumping around and slouching at large will only send a negative message to those around you — signalling that you're feeling defeated & of low status — which also doesn't make you stand out to potential mates.

3) Authentic Vulnerability

We've touched on the power of vulnerability before. But, I believe many of you still don't show it as authentically and genuinely as possible. Remember, if you desire to earn others' trust and respect — you must set the stage for that yourself first. Share your stories. Be honest. Be open. Have nothing to hide.

Consider sharing failure stories with others. This will allow others to see that you have the emotional maturity and intelligence to realize that you are not perfect, and have indeed grown (& levelled up) since. But the important part is that you recognize this and are more than okay with sharing it.

My dad does that all the time and it's the thing I admire the most about him. He has absolutely 0 problem with sharing his mistakes with others. If anything, he's proud of them. They've defined him throughout his life and they're definitely part of his journey to where he is today.

Another thing he does is always find the time to celebrate another's wins. You're only a true leader when you allow others (both publicly & privately) to teach you something meaningful while conveying the traits you admire most about them.

Admire others, and don't be afraid to show it.

Conclusion

I know there's a lot in here today. But I do believe this is extremely helpful for everybody, and more notably — it's applicable in every single relationship of your life.

When in doubt — remind yourself of naturalness & lobsters.

Easy.

The hardest thing is admitting that you may "need" to incorporate these things. I'm not saying you should do anything. I never will. I'm just sharing with you some of the things that have worked for me, and others that I will start (& continue) to implement as I go.

Perhaps they may just work for you too!

Acknowledge this. Realize it may be helpful. That's the first & hardest hurdle. Everything else — comes with practice.

As always, send any insights when trying this by directly replying to this email.

Thanks for reading.

Much love as always,

Julian

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