Read on my website

Read time — 8.5 minutes

This week, we had a special guest on The Dom's Dance Court Podcast — my good friend, Antxon. Unique name huh? I've never heard it before either.

Well except for the fact that his father's name is the same.

Just a thing they do in Spain…

Regardless, as we're on the topic of parents — this podcast episode touched on the effect that our parents have on us as children growing up, as well as how this impacts the subsequent generations within this family lineage.

@theddcpod

Your parents (no matter how present they are/were in our lives) have a tremendously powerful influence on you. New episode with thr mighty... See more

This conversation with Antxon prompted a deep reflection on my side about my childhood and upbringing at large. I was and am very lucky to have incredible parents who've done nothing but love, nourish, and keep me safe. I am and will be eternally grateful to them.

However, I am aware that my experience is not shared by many.

I couldn't help but ponder upon the fact that our parents (no matter how present they are/were in our lives) have a tremendously powerful influence on us. Whether it's on our own self-esteem and self-worth, or on the way we interact and handle our own relationships with other humans — the way they've handled this parent-to-child relationship is crucial in shaping our life moving forward.

In every single aspect.

Your Parents

Your first & most important relationship is with your parents.

It's what lays the foundation for your emotional & psychological development.

Your parents — as your primary caregivers — have a profound impact on shaping your perceptions, behaviours, and coping mechanisms. But...

If these relationships are filled with:

• Neglect

• Conflict

• Misunderstanding

They can become sources of trauma that may trigger emotional responses well into adulthood.

Remember — as children, we're like sponges. We absorb all the energy patterns of those around us (i.e. our parents). So our parents making us feel wrong or guilty leads us to hold those same emotions as we progress in time.

We've learned how to behave before we even had a choice in what we were taught. Some of these may go back to generations and may no longer apply.

Sometimes they may have never applied...

But the point remains — just because they were taught that by their parents during their childhood, does that mean it is still applicable to us today?

And sometimes, this is the unfortunate truth that breaks up many families. The kids grow up, and start to explore the world (as they should), coming to new realizations & discoveries that may go against everything they've been taught growing up. And although parents should welcome such discoveries and engage in meaningful & constructive conversations around these — they choose not to listen. They choose to shut them down, and immediately remind them of what they "should" know, how they "should" behave or how they "should" see the world.

This dynamic is essentially mirrored in the story of Hansel & Gretel:

The breadcrumbs that they relied on to find their way back to safety is a parallel for children of controlling parents relying on external "breadcrumbs" or guidance in decision making. As they feel lost without them.

This reliance manifests in future relationships, where they look for romantic partners, friends, or colleagues to fill this guiding role. They transition from parental control to seeking control through others, which signifies a deep-rooted struggle with autonomy & self-trust.

Hansel and Gretel had to navigate the forest and confront their challenges on their own. Just like individuals raised in similar environments, they must learn to trust their own judgment and decisions, stepping into their own power and away from this shadow of codependency.

And without realizing it — as adults, it's tough to comprehend that the ones who loved us also hurt us; while those that hurt us, also loved us. To a child growing up in this world — this isn't easy and definitely doesn't set the right tone for all future relationships (that should be formed on the basis of trust).

The result?

The essence of trust is ambivalent, unclear, and vague.

Their relationships moving forward (especially romantic ones) take on these different defences:

• Co-dependence — being alone becomes a punishment you cure with addiction to another person

• Testing Love — you insist on testing & testing the relationship without ever letting it successfully pass that test (eventually never "finding" that love)

• Abandonment — you completely give up on love before it even has had a chance to hurt you (or gotten broken up with)

Needless to mention the 4 different kinds of attachment styles that develop from our earliest relationships (setting the tone for practically every single relationship in our life since).

"In Our Time"

Whatever the parent doesn't resolve, the child will have to.

It's nobody's fault really. The parent doesn't resolve it due to their relationship with their parents, and so on. It's a never-ending cycle that forever goes back.

But it is true — many kids of my generation go to therapy today because their parents didn't. It's a reality. Another reason is that today's generation is more open to doing it, and therapy as a whole is way less stigmatized.

In my opinion, a big part of the issue lies in that our parents do not realize the weight their words carry. Whether they are educating us, or trying to "help" us with their guidance and wisdom — these things get lost in communication. And whether that's because their parents communicated it to them that way, or because they've never been shown another way — it doesn't mean it is the right way.

So like most dysfunctional and "broken" relationships — the main cause lies in miscommunication. Instead of trying to see how their kid sees the world and what it is they are currently experiencing — they simply get to the criticism or guidance part (passing past all feelings or emotions the child may have).

Evidently, this isn't the way.

I do understand that it is a very thin line for parents to manage — between being there and offering support, but also not overdoing it to allow the kid to have enough space to explore.

It's a tough one.

As mentioned on the podcast with Antxon — navigating that very thin line is not easy. On one end, you want to let the child (once they are "old" enough) explore because that is the only way they will find themselves and reach some sort of identity. Whereas, on the other hand — you also have been there before and know what to "avoid" or "look out for"... but that's the thing — your experience is your experience.

Let your child have theirs.

And this brings me to my second point:

I'm sure many of my younger friends out there have heard these before...

The experience you had as a child with your own parents doesn't have to be replicated in any way with your own kids later.

Whether it's something positive or negative that your own parents did that you'd like to pass on, reflect on it first and consider it for a bit before deciding. Just because it "worked" on you or "was just the way" your father used to deal with you — doesn't mean it's the only (let alone the right) way!

Your child is living in a completely different context & environment to the one you were in that many years ago!!

Times are different. The world is different.

These claims you make do not apply.

Your child may be going through a situation and experience at school or at work that you can't even comprehend because you're not experiencing it. And this is the issue in every single relationship — it is impossible to experience what the other is going through.

However, there is a way to understand it as accurately as possible — by asking questions, gaining context, highlighting and showing your understanding back to them. Whatever guidance or tip you give after that will be (relatively) better received as you actually took the time and made the effort to see things from their point of view (as accurately as you could).

What You Can Do Instead

This applies to any relationship that is lacking "alignment" — that is, not being on the same page.

When you don't take the time nor put in the necessary effort to accurately understand the other person (whether it's your partner, co-worker, friend, or family member), you're making it clear that:

1. You don't have the emotional intelligence nor maturity to go beyond your own experience

2. You don't care enough to put in the time nor mental effort & energy to attempt to understand theirs

Whatever way you look at it, it isn't pretty for you. And whatever reasons you may have, there is always time that can be made to listen and accurately understand those that matter most in our lives (especially if it's a relationship you want to maintain & sustain).

So the next time you may not necessarily "agree" or see eye-to-eye with another (whoever that may be), consider reframing your mind and reminding yourself that this is an opportunity for you to learn & understand the other.

Allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised.

If they don't manage to change your mind, that's fine. You want to understand their situation and how they view it. If you don't, dig deeper until you do.

The important part here isn't about who's right or wrong, or what's better or worse — this isn't a thing here. It's just different opinions (& beliefs) that stem from something that somebody else (their parents) told them.

And if they do manage to change your mind, that's great. Consider yourself pleasantly surprised.

The beauty is that this can be "practiced" and experimented with multiple different people and situations. And the more you do it, the more natural it will become for you, thus allowing you to apply it in all social situations that come your way!

Tying It Back

We can all make choices around giving better than what we ever received.

The default setting for parents doesn't have to be the model of their own childhood. It doesn't even have to resemble it. Just because you suffered, it doesn't mean your kid has to.

By all means, share your experience, make it aware to them. Communicate exactly what it is you went through, how it made you feel, what you learned, and how it allowed you to grow into the kind of person you are today.

But by no means make your child suffer the same pain just because your own parents didn't know any better.

If you do not become conscious of the choices your childhood taught you, your childhood will make those choices for you.

Remember, any child will equate their parents' actions to the image and meaning of love. And if you show them something that wasn't even seen as love for you, then they will resent you when they grow up.

Just in the same way you may resent your own folks today.

(whether you know it or not)

Whatever your parents do as you grow up in this world is a reflection of what you will believe (& begin to do) when you start to love others. Because that is all you will know.

That was all you experienced during that first (& most important) relationship.

This is why I encourage you to communicate openly. Both as the child to your own parents, and as the parents to your own children.

Communicate. Share with one another what you experienced. How it is you view the world. Be honest. Be truthful. For and with the other.

It's the only way forward.

Allow your children to explore and change the way things might have been for you growing up. Those who do not change that model become just as good at love as their parents happened to be.

Love is a choice you get to make. Regardless of the experience you may have lived.

Own that choice. Because whatever you choose, your children will believe that's what "love" is.

Needless to mention the eternal precedent that will be set for all their future relationships.

Thank you for reading.

Much love to you all,

Julian

PS. If you're struggling with communication in any of your relationships; I just released a guide that I’m confident will help you:

• Reduce social anxiety

• Shine in the dating game

• Gain bulletproof confidence

• Attract 10/10 business opportunities

All this in this simple and easy-to-use 7-Day Guide.

All yours, for free — as a thank you for being part of the Mornings w/ Julian community (for 12 weeks now!)

Here you have it, my friends:

Enjoy!

If you enjoyed that — I invite you to share it with others who might find it valuable.

If this email was forwarded to you or you're reading online, you can subscribe here.

If you prefer shorter-form writing, you'd like my X posts.